5 Deals You Need to Know Today: It's Mulch O'Clock Somewhere

Lowe's Mulch Sale

Everybody loves mulch. Forget the actual thing, focus on the word: "Mulch". It's just a fun word, sort of the opposite of "moist". It's one of those words that has enough going on in it, especially with that -ch sound at the end, that you can slot it in anywhere. "I really mulched that up." "We've got one hour, let's mulch this out." "Yippee-ki-yay, mulchermulcher." It's multipurpose. Mulchipurpose. So consider that value add when you look at the already super-popular 5 for $10 pricing on these bags of mulch. MULCH. I don't know what mulch is.

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Mother's Day Sweets and Gifts at Woot

Chocolates, beauty sets... this is all good stuff. It's a bit on the nose, but sometimes you play the hits on Mother's Day, y'know? But for those of you looking for something a little less predictable to present to your mom this year, scroll a ways down the sale. Go on, do it. You'll know what I'm talking about when you see it. I'll wait for you.

Okay, you saw it, right? Who gets their mom a blood pressure monitor? I mean, sure, buy her one, but for Mother's Day? I can only presume this is one of Woot's clever little jokes, moved beyond their signature sale tag-lines, and infiltrating their actual inventory. Well played.

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Citizen Men's Eco-Drive Disney Mickey Mouse "Tee Time" Watch

Okay, when people talked about the Mickey Mouse Club, I didn't know they meant his five iron.

That's it, that's all you get. It's a best-ever price. Bam, next deal.

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Sam's Club 1-Year Membership

You know that deep emptiness you feel in your heart? The small piece of you that longs to belong, to feel accepted and welcomed? What if you just paid $14 to fill it with a Sam's Club membership card? That way, you get to feel like you belong – for as long as your fees are kept up to date – and you get to save on, like, 16-packs of 2-gallon ketchup bottles or whatever. Warehouse stores are crazy. It's like that Mitch Hedberg joke – "Rice is great when you're really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something" – except about everything. In a good way.

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Eddie Bauer Spring Jacket Sale

Eddie Bauer Spring Jacket Sale. Jackets covered in springs, so you can safely fall over and just bounce off the ground. Is that anything? It's a funny enough mental image. Until you remember the classic fear, familiar to anyone who's kept a mattress well past its healthy limits, and can't stop imagining being pierced in a dozen places by the springs surrounding you. I don't sleep much. But I could happily wear any of these jackets, which are just normal jackets doing normal jacket things like celebrating the German word for "jump", and will almost certainly not pierce you in any way. At least not in any vital organ. Zips can be difficult.

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